The Ultimate Secret Weapon (A.K.A. Pretty in Pink)
by BattleJoy W
Summary: A mysterious warrior beats the Gundam pilots to their mission. (Slight R+1)


Title: The Ultimate Secret Weapon (A.K.A. Pretty in Pink)  
  
Author: BattleJoy (with loads of help from Kari and Michelle)  
  
Note: This is a comedy. A COMEDY!! No real pairing. (Okay, somewhat a 1+R pairing but it really doesn't matter to the story and isn't very heavy.)  
  
Warning: Occasional obscure mecha, TV, and comic book jokes. Hopefully you will get the rest.  
  
Disclaimer: No Gundams and other mechs were harmed in making this fic (which is good because they aren't mine anyway.)  
  
*~*~*  
  
The five Gundams were making their escape from their latest mission and were nearly out of range of enemy territory so they could report in that their mission was accomplished when Duo gasped in alarm, "Guys! Quick! Turn on your video feed! Any station!"  
  
"Duo. You're not watching cartoons again during a mission, are you?"  
  
"Er... that's not the point... The news just reported that Relena's been kidnapped!"  
  
Sure enough all the stations were interupted and reporting the disruption of the latest Peace summit witht the kidnapping of the Vice Foreign Minister Darlian-Peacecraft by the Liberation Organization of the Southern European Region (who didn't seem to realize that their acronym spelled "Loser.")  
  
"We have to rescue her."  
  
"I agree. Because who else would ever fall for Heero?"  
  
"Shut up, Duo."  
  
Thus our five pilots immediately corrected their flight patterns to head towards the retreat where the summit was being held. From the news footage of the attack, the pilots could see that the terrorists were fairly well trained and professional, using equipment and mobile suits, no doubt bought from the black market for quite a pretty penny. The backer for the terrorist group was very wealthy but the search for the source of funding would wait until after the explosive incident could be defused and the hostages were safe.  
  
Switching to satellite veiws the pilots mapped out exactly where the enemy mechs were located and discussed possible battleplans on the way to the site that would minimize the loss of the hostages.  
  
They were nearing the retreat when they noticed a helicopter landing and a small blonde girl being hurried/dragged to it. Relena was the most important hostage and they were obviously moving her to a more secure and fortified location when a missile flews out of nowhere, eliminating the helicopter.  
  
Suddenly the Gundam pilots were shocked to see a small flash of... pink. A very small mobile suit was efficiently defeating the guarding mobiles suits. It's speed was incredible. It would dodge a series of shots and hamstring the enemy. It was like watching a leprechaun taking out ogre. Of course the main problem with that analogy would be that the leprechaun would not be caught dead in that shade of Barbie-Bubblegum pink.  
  
"They trained a new Gundam?" Quatre asked.  
  
"They didn't tell us!" Duo pouted.  
  
"Since when do they tell us anything," Trowa commented.  
  
"It's... pink" Heero muttered in distaste, attempting to decipher and absorb the slightly horrendous information.  
  
"Must be a woman (onna)! No self respecting (in other words, male) warrior would- " Wufei began. At this point the other Gundam pilots turned off their intercom channels to Wufei and set their timer to 5 minutes. That was when he was routinely about to wind down his rant on the evils of women. In the meantime the others sat and watched the pink underdog decimate the others.  
  
**  
  
Meanwhile, the figure in black sits in the mysterious (despite being pink) mobile suit glances at his monitors showing that he has been spotted by the five Gundams.  
  
"Curses..." He mutters before returning his attention to the battle at hand.  
  
**  
  
"Wow. I wish I had popcorn." Duo laughed, before the emergency message lights started blinking in urgency and all the pilot quickly hit the button to their intercoms.  
  
"YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LISTENING TO ME!!"  
  
The others sweatdropped.  
  
"Great. Now he's ranting about us not listening to him" Duo muttered as he's turned down the volume to his intercom channel directly to Wufei.  
  
"DON'T YOU TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME AT ME, MAXWELL!"  
  
Duo would have face fell if he wasn't strapped into his seat. He settled for a healthy sweatdrop as he tried to distract Wufei from his current activity of "enlightening Maxwell."  
  
"Hey look!! Pinkie is almost done!!"  
  
"This is unacceptable. We have to go in to rescue Relena. We don't know if the unidentified mobile suit means her harm."  
  
"Wait a second, Heero." Quatre reassured his comrade. "Check your satellite feed. The pink suit eliminated all the guards holding her. She's fine."   
  
Sure enough, Relena Darlien-Peacecraft was shown standing on the tarmac, unmindful of the sounds of battle around her while she checked to see if her bloodthirsty terrorist captors were still alive. She spotted the five Gundams far in the distance and waved in greetings to them.  
  
"Oh look, Heero!" Duo teased. "Your girlfriend is waving to you."  
  
"Duo!" Heero growled. "She is not my girlfriend!"  
  
"Sure. Yeah right. You're probably over there blushing."  
  
"I am not!!" yelled Heero before he discretely checked his complexion on a shiny control panel, scowling.  
  
The two pilots' bickering is interrupted as another explosion erupts as another mobile suit was pulled down.  
  
"This guy is somewhat good."  
  
"Are you kidding, Wufei? He'd be trouble for me. And speed is my asset. It would probably take 2 or 3 of us to take him down."  
  
"Well here's our chance to see." Heero grunted as the flames of last mobile suit licked the sky. "Spread out. Approach with caution. Remember the mission is to rescue Relena without harm."  
  
"Gundams HO!!"  
  
"Oh Duo! Quit with the mech jokes for once!" Quatre groaned. Those obscure mecha cartoon references were really starting to get on the other guys nerves. Quatre was especially getting resentful ever since Duo got the idea into his head that capes looked "cool" on mechs. Quatre still hadn't lived it down when he had been the only one to listen to Duo's advice and wore that cape on Sandrock. (Especially since Duo forgot his promise to also wear a cape on that mission.)  
  
The Gundam did follow Heero's orders and surrounded the building and accompanying mysterious mech on its rooftop before closing in. The mech seem indecisive on whether to remain or make a break for it. Then it suddenly unreadied it's arms and stood down before any of the Gundam pilots could order it to.  
  
"Heero! Don't worry! The pink mobile suit is a friend!!" Relena yelled up to them. Of course, since she was on the ground none of them could hear her. All they could see was her gesturing wildly at them and the new suit.  
  
"First word! Two syllables! Second word...!"  
  
"Shut up, Duo. Everyone, cover me." Heero growled before popping open the hatch to his suit. He leaped out onto the pavement and ran to Relena and proceeded to try to check if she was injured. This step was somewhat hampered though by her insistence to throw her arms around him.  
  
"Oh Heero!" Relena cooed in delight.  
  
"Looks like she happy to see one of us..." Duo's voice snickered over the communicators.  
  
"Shut up Duo!!" hissed Heero into his communicator. Turning back to Relena he gently untangled himself with her. "Are you injured? What were you saying before?"  
  
"I'm fine Heero. I was saying that the pink suit is on our side so the other Gundams can lower their guns." Heero didn't seem to want to believe her but she remained adamant. "Trust me. Tell the other pilots to get out of their mobile suits and I'll introduce you to the pilot."  
  
Warily Heero signaled the others to exit their MS's, Relena took out a small pink communicator and asked the pilot to reveal himself. "Come on down. They are my friends and they deserve to know." Relena paused, listening to the pilot's response. "Oh! Don't 'Miss Relena' me! Stop being so difficult! You know all of their secret identities already... I admit that's a impressive track record... No. We didn't find out their identities because they are 'unprofessional whelps'...." The Gundam pilots all stiffened at that remark and glared and huffed at the pink suit's unrevealed pilot. "Fine then! It's an order! Just come out!" Relena sighed and turned back to the five young pilots. "Let me introduce my bodyguard. The ex-elite test pilot..."  
  
Relena is interrupted as the hatch to the MS opens and the pilot jumps down, surprisingly nubile.  
  
"PARGON!!!" The Gundam pilots gasped.  
  
"Yes. Pargon, my bodyguard. The finest Gundam pilot and black op his generation ever produced."  
  
"You... are... a Gundam pilot!!" Heero brain seemed to have loading errors because he definitely was having trouble assimilating this piece of knowledge. In fact, all the pilots were still shocked with the revelation.  
  
"Yes. I am."  
  
Duo' s curiosity was able to wake him up first from his shock. "What kind of Gundam is this?"  
  
"It's a prototype made by the slightly eccentric Dr. E before his untimely demise. (1)"  
  
"Untimely demise?"  
  
"It used to be that Gundam scientists were known for being in *ahem* interesting accidents." The other pilots nodded in understanding. Their scientists were well on their way to continuing the tradition.  
  
Pargon reached behind his back and suddenly pulled out a small remote control.  
  
"Look, Heero." Duo nudged his still frozen friend. "He can do the same trick as you. Wait a second! That's not the self destruct, is it?!" Duo ask hesistantly.  
  
"Oh no! This is the self destruct remote." Pargon pulled out the self destruct also out of nowhere, showed it, and then returned it to its mysterious hiding place. "This is the remote that shows my suits other options. You see the design is quiet revolutionary, even today. Which is rather amazing considering that the idea was ripped off from an ancient robot cartoon." With that Pargon pressed the button on the remote and the mech's shape shifted to the familiar shape of Relena's pink limo.  
  
"OHMIGOSH! IT'S A TRANSFORMER!!!" Duo squealed in delight and then proceeded to sing the Transformer opening theme song "Transformers! Robots in disguise!!"  
  
"Duo! Please be quiet!" Quatre barked.  
  
"Dang, Quatre. What's got into you today? Someone steal those pics of Barbara Eden's navel that you've got hidden under your bed?"  
  
"DUO!! SHUT UP!" Quatre yelled, bright red as the other people stared at him.  
  
Heero's brow furrowed as a sudden revelation clicked into place. "You mean you were there the whole time to protect her?"   
  
"Of course. A lady of Miss Relena's station would require some sort of armed escort."  
  
"Then why didn't you!!!?" Heero growled, barely under control.  
  
"I thought this time you wouldn't make it here in time. I had to wait until straights were at the direst before I could risk exposing my secret identity."  
  
"What about exposing MY identity!!! Do you know how many times my mission was compromised..."   
  
Pargon shrugged and then brushed some dust off the shoulder and sleeve of his jacket. "As if I would care about something that has nothing to do with my mission." The others jumped and latched onto Heero to to hold him back. "Plus Miss Relena mentioned that she liked seeing you during the rescues so it was standing orders to let her..."  
  
"Um, Pargon?" Relena laughed nervously. "You really don't need to tell them that!"  
  
"Oh. My pardons, Miss Relena."  
  
"You were probably the one that helped her track me down ALL THOSE TIMES!"  
  
"And your point is?" Pargon tried to surpress a smirk as he watched the others struggle to keep a hold of the pilot of Wing Zero. "Miss Relena? I believe we should be heading off to catch your 5:30 plane flight to tonight's engagement?"  
  
Relena sweatdropped as she watched the grunting, rolling mass of young pilots trying to subdue Heero. "Um, yes. I believe we should too. Well, goodbye!" She waved and backed away before entering her limo and driving off with Pargon.  
  
Once Pargon had driven far out of visual range and Heero had finally calmed down enough for the others to release him (though he still continued to mutter something about now having a mission to kill a certain someone), the pilots started to make their way to their mobile suits. They noticed that Duo had remained standing still, staring off in the distance with a pensive, almost frightened look on his normally happy face. "Um, guys?"  
  
"What is it NOW, Maxwell."   
  
"Pargon was a Gundam pilot so he was probably kinda like us, right?"  
  
"Right." The other responded, confused with where this was going.   
  
"Doncha see what Pargon really is?" replied Duo nervously.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Pargon is..."Duo whimpered "... our... future!"  
  
The four Gundam pilots stopped, looked at each other, and shuddered.  
  
*~*~*  
  
AN (1): I wanted the good OC Doctor E to be killed via spontaneous combustion while working on a messy cow mutilation case in Wisconsin in the back room of a leather-bar while dressed as Barbara Stanwick.   
  
But that's already been done. 


End file.
